I'm pretty sure I never post on here anymore because my page design pales in comparison to those of my friends.

How do I get a cool LJ page with robots and trees and penguins at the top?

Huh?


In other news, I found out today that I got the admin position at the marble/granite place in SE. I start on the december 11th.

I'm excited to start something new and to actually have money to do things for once in my life.

I am not excited to give my 2 weeks notice on Monday. In fact, I am flat-out scared and anxious over it.

I know I need to do this. For my sanity, for my future.

It doesn't make me feel like any less of a jerk for leaving a non-profit without a staff person to cover my job duties.

Meh. Decisions suck sometimes.

Does anyone want to lick the super sweet application tracking form I just created on Microsoft Word?



Anyone?



K, I'm bored.

I think the universe might be trying to tell me that it's time to start packing for my move to PDX.

I was sitting at my desk this afternoon when I heard a loud crash. It turns out that my closet shelf had finally given in to the weight of the many boxes and hangers. Seems that whoever installed the shelf decided to use 1" screws and didn't even bother to attempt to find a stud. Well...I guess that's what you get when you're only pasying $125 a month for rent, eh?

Anywhoo, I used this "opportunity" to start going through all of the shit in my closet and about an hour into the process I just dropped down to my knees and started sobbing.

Lots of stress:
~being the only supervisor on site with 15-20 volunteers three days a week
~trying to do something nice for my parent's for their 50th birthdays
~my mom's best friend finding out she has breast cancer
~money I had saved up slowly slipping away from me
~the general guilt that I feel about leaving my mom with only my brothers to "help"

Lots of shit to get done:
~sorting through boxes & racks & dressers to figure out what I truly need and what I can part with
~moving half of my shit to my parents house and packing the other shit in my car
~making sure that my car will actually make the 1300 mile trip

Lots of stuff that I can't even do until I get out there:
~finding a permament place to live
~finding a part-time job to keep my head above water financially

Only 4 weeks left.

I am so ridiculously excited but so amazingly scared at the same time. I may be a 25 year old woman who has supported herself financially through 2 degrees, but I've still never lived more than a few hours away from my parents.

Sooooo...limbo + stress x infinity = sobbyexcitedscaredfreakingoutmaggie

I got the job with Mt Hood Habitat and will be moving to Portland at the end of August.

*does super crazy excited dance*



I'm still waiting for it all to sink in. As excited as I am, I know I'm going to miss my family, my friends, and Minnesota like crazy.

I know for a fact that if I didn't have such an amazing support group of friends in PDX, there is no way in hell I'd be taking this huge step.

So, thank you. Thank you to my friends in MN for supporting me and telling me that you'll be there for me no matter what. Thank you to my friends in Portland for consistently showing me how much you care and how amazing you are.

*big hugs*

We know what is left after roots have been cut
clean away, what remains after limbs have been pruned,

dwarfed by the lips of our sweet scissors,
the blades of our small knives.

And we have constructed ourselves in this same manner,
trimming back families and familiars to base essentials,

pruning back all that we've come from to all that we desire.
We have constructed our lives along the lines of the reductive,

waiting after every stinging cut to see if we can live
without that particular branch, that puny limb.

It's about what can be bent; branches cowed into curvature,
aesthetics dictating nature, and you and I watching

those square porcelain pots for a day or a decade
and maybe nothing will change, maybe one new leaf

in the space of eighty years, one new shoot.
And yet, we wait, learning slowly the distance

through which we can push ourselves,
the subtle growth of trees.

~William Reichard

So, I know I'm well on my way to jinxing myself on this one, but it looks as though I may be moving out to the fair city of Portland in late August. The Mt. Hood Habitat for Humanity affiliate has a few openings and, oddly enough, their office is actually in Portland. Hot, eh? So I'm sending some apps on their way and hoping to be out there with you stupid sexy PDXers soon =)


Thank you again to everyone who made my trip such a wonderful, relaxing time. I haven't felt that loved for a very long time.

*loves&squishes*

I just spoke with the lovely people at Sun Country and I will be in PDXland from May 23 - 29th. I'm actually flying into Seattle and renting a car at the airport. I figure that way I get to take a nice scenic drive through Washington *and* I won't have to be dependent on all ya'lls cars/time.

I'm hoping to spend at least a few more quiet days alone journeying around the city, but I would truly love to be able to see all of you again. I can't even express how grateful I am that so many people offered up their homes to me. All I can really say is that I love you all so much and am excited to be able to reconnect with you. You are all such amazing women who inspire me for so many different reasons.

Okay, okay...I'll stop with the cliches now.

*hugs&snugs*

Sooooooooooooo...

nothing is finalized yet, but it looks like I will be venturing to PDX-Land from May 23/24 until the 28/29. This is pending a smooth ticket switch with Sun Country and my ability to talk my site supervisor into allowing me to take off for 3-4 days of work camp season.

It looks like I'll be flying into Washington and renting a car from there to get my butt over to Portland. Any recommendations for good car rental places?


Skoooooooooooo!!! I'm so excited to see all my PDX buddies again =)

Note to the f-list:

I love ya'll.

Seriously...wow.

So I realize that I've been absent from lj a lot recently, not so much because of lack of time, but more because I feel myself shying away from serious introspection.

Now I've been sitting here staring at the screen for 10 minutes or so attempting to get my thoughts together.

Here, in classic maggielistform, are some things I know:

~It was the right decision to not sign up for another year of Americorps.

~I want to be able to find a job that I want, not just one that I take because it's open and I'm qualified.

~I don't know if this will be possible.

~I hate not knowing what's coming next more than I hate anything else in the world.

~I feel myself coming out of a long period of wanting to be solitary most of the time.

~I have lost contact with a lot of friends.

~I have many friends...people who I love to hang out with and laugh about stupid shit.

~I have few close friends who I am comfortable being an open, sometimes non-happyfunny maggie around.

~I need to change this.

~I met a woman who I have a huge fifthgraderidiculous crush on.

~I have no idea if she feels this way about me and I think it might be too early in the game to ask.

~I don't know what I will do if she doesn't.

~I have been working harder than ever on staying active and healthy.

~For some reason, my neck is rejecting this plan.

~I fucking hate my neck.

~I keep changing myself for other people.

~I don't know how to stop.

On the idea of forming a "renegade" bank account for the ICC group:

"We better not call it a sleeper cell, cuz then they'll freeze our account."



Yup...quite the productive meeting.

Being home sick is yucky and boring.


Does anyone have clear sinuses or a new neck that I could borrow?

Cj and I broke up this morning. Meh and Meh.

It needed to happen.

We communicate in totally different ways and I just can't handle feeling like I'm doing a 20/20 interview every time I sit down for a casual chat. I wanted to be open with him, but I can't be open with someone who can't let me talk and process without needing to recommend things that I already know about...I just need some time to decide.

And I don't know what it is, but I physically and emotionally MISS WOMEN. Apparently I'm far more queer ideologically than I am sexually when it comes to FTMs. In no way did I think it was going to be "sorta like dating a woman," but I also didn't think it would be this much of a stretch for me as far as physical attraction goes.

Meh. Too many thinky things in my head.

So, away from the crap that's been going on in my head there has been a silver lining in the past few weeks. The entire Habitat/Americorps crew that I am a part of went down to San Antonio for a week to work on houses with their affiliate. I thought I'd share a few pics from my trip.

The amazing retreat house the 20 of us shared. It is located in the King William neighborhood and, luckily, had a porch swing.


The "habitat subdivision" we worked on while in San Antonio. Although I am not a huge fan of the subdivision idea, the homebuyers I spoke with seemed to like the fact that they got to know their neighbors while working on each other's houses.


After finishing the OSB on the roofs of 4 houses, we moved on to securing the felt paper and later to nailing down the shingles.


We also got to build a few sheds!


My best Americorps buddy, Ria, and I posing in our tool belts.

People who aren't from MN often ask me how I can stand to live here, what with all of the snow and cold and lack of oceans, but today was a perfect example of why I absolutely love Minnesota. This morning as I was wiping the snow off of my windows before I headed off to work, a woman who was doing the same looked over at me and said "isn't it beautiful?" Yup...it really is...

Then on the way home I saw 3 kids running around in front of their house with huge mounds of snow in their arms and 2 more kids across the street working on a snowperson.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm...Minnesota =)


In other news, my gramma had a stroke the day before Thankksgiving and has been recovering pretty well. She moved in to my old room at my parent's house today as a transitional place between the rehab center and being on her own again (*fingers crossed*). I feel so bad for my mom. Not because she's taking care of my gramma, but because her siblings (yup, all 5 of them) are being total assholes and treating her like an idiot. Everyone kept telling her that she wouldn't be able to take care of her because she's already too busy and asking her if she was going to quit her job (she works part-time as a nurse). What ever happened to "how can I help?" or "Wow, thank you so much for all the work you've been doing."

I was over tonight for dinner and a rousing game of scrabble and my gramma seems to actually be happy again. Love ya mom =)

"Spanish harlem" are not just pretty words
to say.
I thought I knew,
but now I know that rose trees never grow
in New York city.

Until you've seen
this trash can dream come true,
you stand at the edge
while people run you through.
And I thank the Lord
there's people out there like you.
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you.

While Mona Lisas
and mad hatters,
sons of bankers,
sons of lawyers
turn around and say,
"good morning" to the night.
For unless they see the sky,
but they can't and that is why
they know not if it's dark outside or light.

This Broadway's got
its got a lot of songs to sing
if I knew the tunes
I might join in.
I go my way alone
grow my own
my own seeds shall be sown
in New York city.

Subway's no way
for this good man to go down.
Rich man can ride
and the hobo he can drown.
And I thank the Lord
for the people I have found.
I thank the Lord for the people I have found.

While Mona Lisas
and mad hatters,
sons of bankers,
sons of lawyers
turn around and say,
"good morning" to the night.
For unless they see the sky,
but they can't and that is why
they know not if it's dark outside or light.

They know not if it's dark outside or light

~Elton John~

so I really need to get better about updating this thing. I've been coming on and reading everyone else's posts and then thinking about writing my own and then not doing it. I've been really good about planning things lately and not so good about executing them.

Anywhoo, things are going semi-okay with me. My gramma had a stroke the day before Thanksgiving. As she is my mom's only living parent (and partly, I think, because my mom is a nurse and thinks she should be able to solve the health problems of everyone in the family), my mom has been more stressed out than usual. But my gramma's rehab has been going a lot better and yesterday when I asked my mom about ideas for her for Christmas she actually said "I'll have to think about it" instead of "I'm just trying to make sure your gramma doesn't die."

Things with CJ have been good but also a bit awkward. Our personalities don't always mesh so well. it's been especially hard these last few weeks as I have been battling with my yearly smack-in-the-face of seasonal depression and he has been missing shots and then having to take larger doses the next week to make up for it. But we did the whole family thing for Thanksgiving and it actually went pretty well. He got to see where I get my crazy sense of humor and I got to see what his hair is going to look like in 20 years. Heh.


Hmmmmm...what else?


Oh, my birthday is in...ummmmmmm...2 hours and I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. I am definitely not where I expected to be, but I don't think that's really a bad thing. I have also been realizing what wonderfully amazing friends I have. On tuesday night I called 12 of my good and nearby friends to see if they could meet up for dinner on the night of my birthday and ALL OF THEM are going to be there. 3 days notice, they're all gonna be there...awesome =)

Yeah, so tomorrow will consist of lunch with the parents and a blow-out birthday bash at Pizza Luce with the friends. Lucky, lucky, lucky...

CJ and I are now officially dating.


I was having pretty much one of the worst days of my life yesterday and he came over with his Curious George doll and St Elmo's Fire on dvd because, as he put it, "when I'm having a bad day it always makes me feel better to watch other people being miserable." Seriously. How cute is that?


I know he is nervous because he is most definitely not looking for something short term and my longest past relationship has been 4 months. Truthfully, I know that this makes me nervous as well. But I also know that I haven't liked anyone this much for such a long time that it almost hurts to be able to feel this way again.


Wow.

CJ is still amazing


and hot


and cuddly


and delightfully honest and open.


Yay for unexpected, wonderful people!




My neck still hurts like a bitch.

Turns out I pinched a nerve a few weeks ago.

Even worse, my insurance is so horrible that no form of physical therapy is covered unless I just had surgery. Meh.

I start a week long bout of steroids tomorrow to see if that will allow me to stop feeling like I want to personally cut out areas of my neck.